Friday, 14 November 2008

Mind, Restless, Tired


There's been a story in my head for more than a year now. It has crept into crevices of my mind, stayed there, almost parasitic. It saps, whatever it is that doesn't make it dissipate from me, and grows. There are limbs, facial features, that continue to protrude from it, as it rests in my mind. But still it looks like an aberration, totally malformed. And I, the forced sculptor has to mold and make it less of a phantom. Soon, it is done, the sculpting is complete, yet there are hole, tiny and large, that need to be filled.And the story keeps plaguing for its completion, for its holes to be filled. In the most unusual places, it comes to mind. In class, with the boring professor teaching that dreaded chemystery, it emerges. Though this time it is redeeming as it takes me away from my class. I continue to stare at the professor, my eyes partially blind to the formulas on the board and my ears hearing words that sound like that of a seceding crowd. In the absence of my mind, the story reveals itself; its limbs-the corners of the stories, it's features-the complexities and connections of characters. And then I know I must write it, do it and myself a favor. But when I finally did see it on my laptop screen, it looked even more malformed. It appeared like those Asian gods with many arms stretching and curling out of their straight bodies. I did not know how to handle all those corners, flash backs and complexities.It was more than 25 pages (not double spaced, or edited) and I felt it was a mash up. But that was during the summer, now winter approaches, if not already here and I'm writing all over again. It seems to be going alright. This time, there are no flash backs, no corners yet, just starting the story in all its simplicity; just from the beginning. It takes a lot of maturity to write a book, not to mention starting from the end to beginning.

I was disappointed, yesterday, to find out what it meant to be a free thinker. The meaning contrasted with what I had always thought it was. Did I or I did not perceive it to mean one who was free spirited and thought out of the box and even what is deemed reality. But its actual meaning, to me, steals from it what it sounds like. Though the free thinker, by its dictionary definition, thinks outside the norm or tradition, I still feel that his focus on science and logic steals from him, much of his free-ness.

Why do I feel this way towards science- humanity's way of reaching new frontiers. It is too logical, too rigid for me, I've never felt I can contribute to the world through science.

I saw a play yesterday and in the end when all the actors, removed from their characters, took their bows, I felt lifted, inspired. I wanted to act, even though the only time I ever did was in high school. After my first play, I got reactions of both surprise and mockery. Both reactions made me feel good. Still, I want to be a writer! (it should be known) and I cannot imagine my life without exploring these things. Scary, scary images.

15 comments:

Jaja said...

I dont know if its because I havnt eaten all day, I find some of these sentences a bit... not difficult .. maybe a bit bumpy..

And the story keeps plauging for completion' you totally lost me there. What happens 'in the abscence of your mind'? the story reveals itself? How? do you mean the abscence of your mind in the classroom?

I will return to read again when am sure I have enough blood sugar running to my brain...

I however like the bones from which you build a narrative

And about Science, I am of a different view. I admire the study of science and respect it. I particularly find the logic of things interesting... I believe logic is how we make sense of things. the consistency of it. sometimes this sense is collective...

One doesnt expect everything to be logical, to be wqithing our understanding... but if there was no logic at all to anything we would be lost, in sinking sand...

I am drawn to the experience of science, not in an academic way, but just in curiosity... biology.. chemistry... physics... these things have tremendous effect on things we do everyday.. people we get to like even.. being a poet my self (self acclaimed) I like to challenge myself sometimes that there is a science to romance..

What am I going on about?
I love the arts... I am interested in logic and terribly curious about science.

Of course i want to write a book

Later

Afolabi said...

@ Jaja--Even after reading the post, myself, I felt some of the sentences were just not right. I should change them, but my exhaustion these days doesn't help.
When writing, I tried to change the example you gave, sadly, that was the best description I could come up with..in my tired state...Will def. change it. Lord, you're ASTUTE.

Science? I just had a bio lab like an hour ago, was intrigued by the flowering plants and how complex, the male and female parts are. And I thought about this post, and I questioned my dislike of science. I should not let how I perform academically in it, affect my appreciation of the sciences.

Even after writing this post, I've being thinking about logic...How it helps explain things, life...
Thought, also about making rational decisions and not just acting controlled by impulses.

And I've concluded that I should try to differentiate my inclination to be so fascinated by certain things from what is logical. Two different things, one for my mind's pleasure, the latter to help me live a better life.

My opinions on certain things change, when I realise things or just listen to others.

Osondu Nnamdi Awaraka said...

I'm with you, Man. It's the same here. Finally, one who understands...Thanks!

Uzezi said...

ur post is a lil confusing. or maybe i should read through again.

Jaycee said...

I read through, and I have to say this...I was enthralled by how you construed these grueling images of your thoughts into words. And I did get the message. I got the message, maybe because I feel the same way you do about writing a book. I suppose the "bumpiness" of this post was well intended?

Like Jaja, I also "love the arts...[am] interested in logic and terribly curious about science."

I've got to blogroll you. I don't take intelligent posts lightly...lol. Newly found writings!!! Yes!

Jaycee said...

Actually I already blogrolled you some weeks back...nice!

Afolabi said...

@ Osondu: Hey man how's it going with you.
Your welcome man. But the whole writing a book thing is such a different experience from writing short stories. If I had my way, I would go on some kind of sabbatical(if it applies to student) and focus on writing the things I want to...You're doing a science major right? are you enjoying it?

@Uzezi: I feel what you're saying. I'm going to think twice about writing when I'm feeling really tired and down. And not even bothering too much to change or edit certain things. Do come back though..lol..there will be better posts

@ Jaycee: Hey thanks..as for message, I guess the main stuff I was just trying to get out of me was that I'm writing a book, some random stuff and things I want/wish for myself.

AKINLABI said...

ha ha ha i tag you!

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